Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars... I could really use a wish right now..

This is the way I felt on July 19th around 1:30pm. I was on my way to my ultrasound to confirm if our baby was indeed dead inside of me. I heard this song on the radio and was singing it/crying it/wishing it. I wished that I wasn't living the moments I was living at that time. I wished that we were still pregnant. I wished that my parents and his parents were still grandparents to be. I knew what could be ahead or what I might have to endure in the coming days if it were true. I knew of people who went through it and I didn't want to be one of those. No offense to them but I always believed I wouldn't have trouble getting pregnant, which I didn't but this might not be a sticky baby.

I met up with my mom who accompanied me since J had somewhere he had to be that afternoon. The doctor confirmed what I had dreaded. It was a perfect baby up until week 8 day 6. I felt like one of those kids that wasn't picked for the team. That was left having people look at him like haha you weren't picked. I wasn't picked for the mommy team just then. God had other plans for that baby. Plans for them never to have to endure this world. My baby is a perfect baby/angel up in Heaven. I have to keep this in mind. Even though it was a horrible time, we still had our family surrounding us. We were able to take our minds off of it from time to time. I took a day off work to relax. And a day after surgery to relax. We went to DC with my family to sightsee in which I overdid myself and needed to relax when I got home.

I have begun to heal. I have healed physically but I mean emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It feels like a dream that I was pregnant. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think over and over about what I had done those weeks that might have jeopardized the baby's vitality. But I can't think that way. God had a plan. He has a plan. It is our desire, the desire of our hearts to be parents. Someday we will when the time is right. As we close this year, I think of it as a modge podge. Good and bad. But God was with us. He's always with us. No matter what.

....And if our God is for us, then who could have stop us. And if our God is for then who can stand against us?

Mind Dump...

I have alot on my mind so I'm going to just dump it all here:

I really would love to be a performer- singer, songwriter, guitar player: a la Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, Michelle Branch, etc

I want to dance

I hope and pray J finds a more stable job and we can get on with the next season in our life.

I love being home (as much as being at our house) but truly home to me here on this earth is at my parents house.

Glad we finally got a fan/light for in the kitchen- it should really change the look.

Ready for Spring and wearing spring clothes

Want to get out of debt like none other- read: more content and start a family

I need to journal in my actual personal journal in writing

Through this whole ordeal I can feel J and I getting closer, more in tune with what each needs

I need to stop dwelling on the past and how I wish I would know then what I know now. I gotta stop this and just enjoy life.

I'm going to bed...

Every year I say I'm going to give up something so that I can regain my focus. Never happens. I always say sweets. Do you know how hard this can be? Inevitably someone brings it into work. It shows up at church or a neighbor gives you something baked. But this year I want to determine to give it up during the week. My grandfather always said the weekends don't count- LOL.

I also want to work out more. I put my gym membership on hold. I know what you're thinking- WHAT!?!? doesn't she want to work out more? Yes, yes I do. However I just bought Julianne Hough's cardio ballroom dancing dvd and intend to kick my butt into gear and do this everyday.

Does this cancel out skipping dessert and sweets during the week???

TO BE CONTINUED....

I don't want to box You in...

Why did I capitalize the You?

I left work shortly after 8 this evening and the song 'I don't wanna box you in' on WJTL came on.

I don't wanna box you in.

You've been doing BIG things since the world began.

Sometimes I just don't want to believe that You're BIG enough.

I don't wanna box you in.

You've been doing BIG things since the world began.

Sometimes I don't understand that you're BIG enough, yeah.

You turned darkness into light, keep my lamp burning.

And You were my everything, there's no denying that Your love is so amazing.

And even though my problems seem typical, nothing for You is ever too difficult.

You never had reservations, love without limitations.

So I don't wanna box you in.

This song really hit me as I was driving home. Though I have problems and I pray to the Lord about them, I almost have hope and hold onto them and don't really think that He is big enough to handle them and take care of them.

I need have more faith and relinquish all worldly hold on them and know that He is big enough to not only handle my problems but the WHOLE worlds problems.

Things may not always turn out the way I think they should, but really and truly they do turn out the way they should be. In His way, perfect timing. When I look back I realize this but when I'm in the middle of the issue, problem or situation I see through a glass darkly and don't see the BIG picture. It truly does work out.

God, You are BIG enough. I don't want to box you in. Please help me remember this!

Flashback Tuesday...

My little baby brother is playing middle school basketball. Yes it's true, nuts but true! I can't believe we've reached this point. His team is using the same uniform as the High School guys used back in my day. I always thought they were the coolest uniforms with their argyle down the side in red, white and black. It was all coming back to me as I was trying to remember what guy had what number. I had decided to make a 'date' with my senior yearbook on the couch. Just out of curiosity I wanted to know who's number lived on. One of the girls in TJ's class that likes him has my same jersey on the girl's team. When my mom told her she was thrilled! haha.

After his team's win to CSY (WOOHOO! Our rivals from way back.) we went to Rockwell's. I had the potato soup bread bowl- yum! It was nice to be us four again. It is sooo nice to be able to converse with my brother like we do.

I'm looking forward to some R&R at a resort in Virginia with Joe and couple who are friends of ours. It's so nice to have something to look forward to.

Morning jolt....

So this morning I woke slightly out of a deep sleep and heard Joe's alarm going off on his cell phone...for the...tenth time. Not really but you get the point. Then I was really shaken awake after it dawned on me (get it dawned? lol) anyway, I realized MY alarm hadn't gone off yet. What time could it possibly be? I leaned over and looked at my alarm clock on my bedside table- 7:30!!!!! Gosh dang it! I have to be at work at 7:45! Yep I got ready in SIX minutes! The fastest I think I ever did for work in my life. I threw on my clothes. Checked my hair- i'll pull the bangs up and it will have to do, brush my teeth, throw on my glasses, do a little quick make up fix to make me look awake and I'm out the door. I made it! THANK THE LORD!

Joe and I basically did a few things around the house and relaxed- which we hardly ever do and we are getting good at it lately.

Last night while we were at Joe's grandparent's for dinner there was an two car, plus tractor trailer accident RIGHT in front of our house! Craziness! I heard the siren and immediately thought of the candle I had burning in the living room before we left. Did I blow it out??? I can't remember! I remember thinking about remembering to blow it out before we left, but did I do it? Joe couldn't remember if he saw it lit or not. So I borrowed brother in law's jeep cheroke (I can't drive Joe's car because I haven't learned stick yet- don't get me started!) I tried to get there as fast as I could and the last road turn off before the couple of yards to our house was blocked off- crap! my heart started beating faster. I went down towards the high school it was blocked off. I rolled down the window and asked the police if I could some how get through to my house and explained about my dumb candle! They said to tell them at the other road block and I parked and ran down the sidewalk to our house. There were 3 fire companies there and apparently a sedan hit a jetta who ran into the tractor trailer's gas tank. Luckily no ruptures but they were cleaning up debri on our driveway at the sidewalk! I ran over to the neighbors and got a brief synopsis and me and the little neighbor girls ran over to our house and I checked on the candle- it was OUT! phew!


This is the candle that was burning...


Love it! Thanks mom!

Well that's all for today! Have a great night!

Has it seriously been two years??? Alot has changed. I'm more 'content' with the money thing. It helps when you are tithing the way you should. We bought a house last July 2009. We love it. We are settled and updating as we go. We tore out the old push button cooktop and put in flat to stove and oven. It was a good thing Joe and his cousin David (who he works with part-time and on the weekends) put it in when they did because we got snowed in the Saturday my mom and I were going to make cookies. So I was busy making chocolate chip cookies, PB cookies and sandtarts by myself. Needless to say I could have used my momma's expertise in this area.

It has been unusually snowy in this area and there is still some snow on the ground. Where is spring! Oh well if it's going to be cold it might as well snow!

Joe and I have decided that we are not going to 'prevent'. We are finally going to give it over to God. It is always His plan anyways right?! So maybe by this time next year we will have a little addition to our family. It's so weird to say that- I still feel so young. I was just thinking today how when I got married I didn't feel TOTALLY different but it seems like with having a child you will totally feel different. I don't know how to explain what I am trying to say so I will stop now.... :)