Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars... I could really use a wish right now..

This is the way I felt on July 19th around 1:30pm. I was on my way to my ultrasound to confirm if our baby was indeed dead inside of me. I heard this song on the radio and was singing it/crying it/wishing it. I wished that I wasn't living the moments I was living at that time. I wished that we were still pregnant. I wished that my parents and his parents were still grandparents to be. I knew what could be ahead or what I might have to endure in the coming days if it were true. I knew of people who went through it and I didn't want to be one of those. No offense to them but I always believed I wouldn't have trouble getting pregnant, which I didn't but this might not be a sticky baby.

I met up with my mom who accompanied me since J had somewhere he had to be that afternoon. The doctor confirmed what I had dreaded. It was a perfect baby up until week 8 day 6. I felt like one of those kids that wasn't picked for the team. That was left having people look at him like haha you weren't picked. I wasn't picked for the mommy team just then. God had other plans for that baby. Plans for them never to have to endure this world. My baby is a perfect baby/angel up in Heaven. I have to keep this in mind. Even though it was a horrible time, we still had our family surrounding us. We were able to take our minds off of it from time to time. I took a day off work to relax. And a day after surgery to relax. We went to DC with my family to sightsee in which I overdid myself and needed to relax when I got home.

I have begun to heal. I have healed physically but I mean emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It feels like a dream that I was pregnant. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think over and over about what I had done those weeks that might have jeopardized the baby's vitality. But I can't think that way. God had a plan. He has a plan. It is our desire, the desire of our hearts to be parents. Someday we will when the time is right. As we close this year, I think of it as a modge podge. Good and bad. But God was with us. He's always with us. No matter what.

....And if our God is for us, then who could have stop us. And if our God is for then who can stand against us?